Topics to Discuss with Girls and the Art of Starting Conversations
Most men think they have a topic problem.
In fact, they don't have a topic problem; they have an energy problem.
The question "What should I talk about?" is usually the wrong question. The right question is: "What kind of conversational environment am I creating?" A conversation grows not from a list, but from a shared energy. And what determines this energy is not just what you say, but how you say it, not just what you ask, but why you ask it.
In this article, we provide both a practical answer to the question and explain the underlying mechanism. Because if you understand the mechanism, you don't need a list; you can generate topics in any environment.
Why Does Finding Topics Feel Difficult?
The vast majority of people who struggle to find topics are not actually experiencing a lack of topics, but rather one of these three things:
Performance anxiety: The question "What if I say something wrong?" freezes the brain. Anxiety narrows active working memory, reduces creative thinking, and makes conversation mechanical.
Approval-driven conversation: Talking with the anxiety of "Will they like it if I say this?" turns the conversation itself into a pressure. Approval calculations come before the topic.
Lack of genuine curiosity: If you're not genuinely interested in the person across from you, finding topics becomes harder. Genuine curiosity spontaneously generates topics.
The solution is not a list of topics, but confronting these three points. But since both are necessary, we will address both the mechanism and practical topics.
Three Levels of Conversation Energy
Every conversation starts at an energy level and either progresses from there or stops. Knowing these levels clarifies topic selection and flow much more.
Level 1: Surface Level
Weather, traffic, how was the day. Harmless, but doesn't create attraction. It functions as a warm-up phase, but if you get stuck here, the conversation won't progress.
Level 2: Personal Level
Interests, values, experiences, perspectives. This is where you really start to see the other person. Attraction and connection are generated at this level.
Level 3: Deep / Emotional Level
Dreams, fears, life philosophy, search for meaning, deep emotions. Not every conversation has to go here, but relationships that can reach this level over time form much deeper bonds.
A good conversation naturally progresses through these levels. Getting stuck at level one, just like jumping from zero to three, kills the conversation.
Opening Topics: The Right Start
Leveraging Context
The most powerful way to open a topic is to draw from the context you are in. Not from an artificial list of topics, but from something you see and feel right there, right at that moment.
"This cafe has an interesting music selection. Do you usually listen to this kind of music?" This is an observation, a question, and context. It opens a real window into the other person's world.
The power of this approach is: resorting to a list gives it away. Moving from context appears natural, fluid, and much more engaging.
Observation + Curiosity Combination
Start from something you notice about the other person. An accessory, a book, an expression, a reaction. "You seem to know a lot about this" or "Could you elaborate a bit more on what you just said?" These signal both interest and curiosity.
Curiosity is one of the most powerful conversational tools for attraction. And genuine curiosity is not performative; it arises spontaneously when you are truly interested in the person in front of you.
Sharing Ideas / Perspectives
"I don't agree with you, but I want to have this conversation" or "I read something interesting about this" make the conversation active, dynamic, and reciprocal. Being someone who not only asks questions but also expresses their ideas turns the conversation into a mutual exploration rather than an interview.
Conversation Categories: What, When?
First Contact / Getting-to-know-you Stage
At this stage, the goal is not recognition but establishing flow. Light, fun, intriguing topics. It's important to enter a shared energy field, not heavy life questions.
Good topics:
- Something contextual related to "where are you now, what are you doing?" like "Do you come here often, or is this your first time?"
- A current, light observation about something nearby, the environment itself
- A brief sharing of perspective, amusing or thought-provoking, but not heavy
Things to avoid:
- Long and serious life inquiries (heavy questions like why, what for, what do you think, asked too early)
- The standard "job, school, what do you do" tunnel - monotonous, boring, everyone asks it
After a Few Dates / Getting-to-know-you Stage
Once you start to get to know each other a bit, more personal and value-oriented topics come into play.
Strong topic categories:
Experiences and Adventures It's a universal truth that people enjoy talking about their experiences. But instead of "where was your favorite vacation?", a more interesting opening: "What was the most unexpected vacation experience you've ever had?" An unexpected question produces an unexpected answer.
Dreams and Goals Not "What will you be doing in 5 years?" but "If money or logistics weren't an issue, how would your dream week be spent?" Letting the imagination run free reveals values and character traits much more clearly.
Values and Perspectives Not directly "what are your values?" but through a specific scenario. Like "If you had the opportunity to do a huge favor for a friend, but it would cost you dearly, what would you do?" It's not a value question, but it reveals values.
Childhood and Origins People generally like to talk about childhood. "What did you dream of most when you were growing up?" or "What were you really good at as a child?" These questions open both a nostalgic and personal door.
Fears and Struggles A powerful bond-builder at the right time. "What are you struggling with most right now?" or "How would you think if you had to make a big decision?" These questions create an environment of both depth and trust.
Long-Term Relationship / Deep Getting-to-know-you Stage
At this stage, the quality of deepening is more important than the topic itself. Taking something you've already discussed deeper is more valuable than searching for new topics.
"You've never told me this before" or "Could you elaborate on this topic a bit more?" These transitions that deepen the existing conversation build a much stronger bond than a list of new topics.
Types of Questions That Create Attraction
Not all questions work equally well. Some question structures support attraction, while others kill it.
Open-Ended + Projective Questions
Instead of "What do you think?" try "Why do you think this is so?" Questions that invite the other person to think actively are much more engaging than passive information transfer.
The structure "If one day [scenario] happened, what would you do?" scenario questions make people think and also make it easier for them to open up. The emergence of abstract values through concrete scenarios is much more natural.
Follow-up Questions
The most powerful type of question: questions that show you genuinely heard what the other person said and are curious about it.
"How did you learn that?" "There's something interesting in what you just said, could you elaborate?" "And how did that affect you?"
A follow-up question is both proof of active listening and the most natural way to deepen a conversation. And the best part: no list needed. If you genuinely listen to the other person, follow-up questions come naturally.
Questions That Reveal Value and Meaning
"What would you most like to learn?" "What has shaped you the most in your life?" "If someone who didn't know you tried to describe you in three words, what do you think they would say?"
These both make the person think and reveal what lies beneath the surface. When asked at the right time and in the right tone, they are very powerful bond-builders.
Topics and Question Types to Avoid
Interview questions: A barrage of "What do you do? Where do you live? How many siblings do you have?" makes the other person feel interrogated. Ask one question, genuinely listen to the answer, and build upon it.
Heavy, headache-inducing beginnings: In early conversations, politics, religion, past relationships quickly drain energy. Everything has its timing.
Opening up too personally too early: Pouring out your own problems, past relationship hurts, family issues too early both disrupts the conversation and activates defense mechanisms. Opening up requires trust, and trust requires time.
Closed questions: Instead of "Do you like to travel?", try "What was your most unforgettable trip?" Yes/no questions cut off conversation. Open questions fuel conversation.
Constant questioning: Asking question after question makes it feel like an interview. Balance questions with your own thoughts and experiences. The structure "I think this... What do you think?" both contributes and keeps the conversation reciprocal.
Opening Topics in Messaging
Face-to-face and messaging require different dynamics.
First Message
The sole purpose of the first message is to get a reply. It's not long, explanatory, or serious. One of three things works:
Observation + curiosity: Draw from something on their profile or something you've discussed before. "Where is that place in your photo, does it really look like that?" - specific and genuinely curious.
Light idea / perspective: "I was looking for someone to talk about this new movie with, have you seen it?" - both a topic and an invitation.
Context: A reference from the environment where you met. You already share a moment, use that as leverage.
Flow Management
In messaging, topics are inexhaustible, but flow can dry up. When the conversation slows down, it's not a new topic list you need, but an energy transfer.
For this: Bring back something interesting from the previous conversation. "I was thinking about what you said earlier, and I wondered about this." This shows you listened and generates a new topic.
Or send something contextual – a piece of content, an observation, a small moment. "This made me think of you" is both energy and a signal that you remembered the other person.
The Psychology of Conversation Flow
A truly effective conversation is built on this dynamic: polarity.
Not just someone who asks questions, but also not just someone who talks. Not just serious, but also not just fun. Both interest and independence. Both listening and participating.
When this balance is established, topics are generated spontaneously. Because the other person also wants to talk, wants to share their thoughts, wants to be heard. You are just creating that environment.
Arthur Aron's research on closeness (Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 1997) shows that reciprocal conversation involving personal self-disclosure quickly generates a deep sense of closeness. When two strangers honestly answer 36 questions, a deep bond is formed within hours. The mechanism is this: Mutual vulnerability feeds trust, trust feeds disclosure, and disclosure feeds connection.
Knowing this tells us: Someone who asks the right question at the right time and truly listens builds a much deeper bond than someone who comes with a list of topics.
To understand the dynamics of attraction and the bond-forming aspect of conversation more deeply, you can also check out our article on what is attraction.
Topic List: By Categories
Concrete topics you can use after understanding the mechanism:
Experience and Adventure: What's the bravest thing you've ever done in your life? Your most unexpected travel moment? The most interesting moment you experienced while learning something?
Value and Character: Who is the person who has contributed the most to your life? If you asked a stranger to describe you in three words, what would they say? How do you make a big decision?
Dream and Future: If money and logistics weren't an issue, what would you be doing right now? What would you like to be different in your life 10 years from now? Is there anything you've never tried but are curious about?
Perspective and Opinion: Is there something you think most people misunderstand? Have you seen anything recently that truly surprised you? How has where you grew up shaped you?
Light and Fun: What did you want to be as a child, do you still want to be that? Which character in the last show you watched did you connect with the most? If you had to choose one superpower, which would you choose?
Deepening: You've never told me this in quite this way before, could you elaborate? How did this affect you? So, what do you think about this now?
The Tone of Conversation: Balance of Seriousness and Lightness
The longest and best conversations all repeat this cycle: they start light, move into the personal, deepen, lighten again, then deepen again.
This breathing rhythm, the transition between weight and lightness, makes the conversation feel revitalizing, not tiring. Constantly deep questions are exhausting. Constantly superficial topics are boring. Rhythm is everything.
Practical application: After a deep topic, a light observation or humor both relieves tension and creates space for the deep topic to be processed. "I find this topic very thought-provoking, but let me also ask, have you ever made a completely absurd decision in your life just for fun?"
Conversation Management: The Power of Listening
In conversation management, something as important as the topic itself is: active listening.
Active listening is not just being silent while waiting for an answer. It's behaviorally showing that you heard what the other person said: eye contact, small affirmations, follow-up questions, body language participation in the conversation.
And the most critical point: remembering. Recalling something the other person said two weeks ago and saying "What you said last time stuck with me" has a much stronger impact than dozens of new topics. The feeling of "This person truly hears me" deepens the bond.
We discussed this listening dimension of social intelligence and how to truly hear people in depth in our article on what is social intelligence.
Flirtation Energy: A Different Dimension from Topics
Talking about topics and flirting are different energy levels. Not every conversation has to remain serious, like an interview.
Flirtation energy is produced as follows:
Double-edged observations: Not direct, but with implication. "When you answer that way, I find you a bit unexpected" is both an observation and a subtle sign of attraction.
Light teasing: Disagreeing with something they said or lightly teasing, but not aggressively, in a playful tone. "Did you really say that?" or "That's so conventional, I wouldn't have expected that from you."
Creating tension: Not answering a question immediately, letting it linger a bit, creating curiosity. "I'm debating whether to tell you this" - this small moment creates tension and curiosity.
Signal of physical awareness: In an appropriate context, naturally. "I noticed your hands move a lot when you talk" is both attentiveness and physical awareness.
To understand these dynamics more deeply, we discussed patterns that weaken flirtation energy in our article behaviors that kill attraction.
Topic Strategy According to Different Environments
Date / Coffee
Contextual starting is the strongest. Where are you, what's the atmosphere like, did anything catch your eye? From there, move to personal questions. On a first date, it's about energy, curiosity, light personal sharing, not heavy life questions.
Goal: To leave the feeling of "I want to see this person again." This comes not from saying everything, but from saying the right things at the right time.
Social Setting / Party
In crowded environments, conversation is shorter but more energetic. Not deep questions, but observations, light perspectives, leveraging the shared environment.
"Do you know many people here, or are you just observing like me?" is an observation, a joke, and an invitation.
Messaging
The most powerful tools in messaging: context and specificity. Not a general "how are you?" but "I was thinking about that project you mentioned, how's it going?" Being specific both shows you listened and feeds the conversation.
Conversation Breaking Points and Solutions
Silence lingered: Without panicking, make a natural transition. "What you just said brought something to mind" or turn to something contextual. Trying to fill silence usually makes it more awkward.
Topic blocked: Don't insist on the topic. Approach it from a different angle or move to a new topic. "Let's put this topic aside for a bit, I wanted to ask you something else" is fluid and natural.
Answers are short and closed: If the conversation isn't progressing with yes/no answers, make the questions open-ended. Or gently recognize whether they want to talk. A forced conversation creates pressure, not attraction.
Conversation is one-sided: Either you talk too much or the other person talks too much. Establish balance: when you talk, listen to the other person; when the other person talks, feed it with follow-up questions. Balance makes both feel present.
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Frequently Asked Questions
How much preparation should I do for talking?
It's not about memorizing a list of topics, but developing curiosity. If you are genuinely interested in the other person, topics will come naturally. The best thing you can do as preparation is to think about topics, experiences, and perspectives that make you feel good—not to share them, but so you have material to feed the conversation.
How long should silence last?
Silence is part of every conversation. There is no silence in conversations that last for hours. A short silence, when attempted to be filled with panic, disrupts the flow. Being comfortable with a short silence is also a sign of confidence.
Topics ran out in messages, what should I do?
Instead of a new topic list, transfer energy. Send something contextual, bring back something from a previous conversation, or directly invite them to meet. It's not the end of messaging, but rather saying that the continuation is through a different channel.
Conclusion
A topic problem rarely stems from a genuine lack of topics. It is mostly a product of performance anxiety, approval-seeking, or a lack of genuine curiosity.
When you resolve these, truly being interested, actively listening, acting from context, and asking follow-up questions will generate topics spontaneously.
A list is a starting point. But the real power lies with the man who forgets the list and truly engages with the person in front of him.
Scientific and Practical Resources:
- Arthur Aron et al. (1997). The experimental generation of interpersonal closeness. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology
- Nalini Ambady & Robert Rosenthal (1992). Thin slices of expressive behavior as predictors of interpersonal consequences. Psychological Bulletin
- Harry Reis & Phillip Shaver (1988). Intimacy as an interpersonal process. Handbook of Personal Relationships, Wiley
- Mark Knapp & Anita Vangelisti (2005). Interpersonal Communication and Human Relationships. Allyn & Bacon
